Sunday, October 6, 2013

Maturity


Maturity
Elizabeth Wallmann-Filley
The quality of relationships reflects maturity. To improve relationships and the quality of life, first consider if you, and than those around you, have really been able to fully grow into a mature state of being.
  1. The age indicates how many years your body has been alive.
  2. The intellectual quotient (IQ) compares your intelligence to your age.
  3. The social maturity compares your social development to your age.
  4. The emotional maturity compares your emotional maturity to your age.
We may have little control over our chronological age and IQ; however one can develop social and emotional maturity. Emotional maturity is difficult for those who habitually excuse themselves, justify mistakes and blame others.
Look at yourself first: How old are you emotionally?  Compare your behavior to emotional immaturity and emotional maturity. Then consider these concepts with those around you. Balance and maturity go hand in hand.

Emotional Immaturity
Emotional Maturity
Love
Love is need. Demands affection and love but avoids any sign of "weakness" and has difficulty showing and accepting love.
Love is sharing. Fosters a sense of security which allows vulnerability and sharing. Can express love and accept expressions of love.
Emotions
Cannot handle frustration or criticism; jealous, unwilling to forgive, fluctuating moods. Temper tantrums. Fears change.
Use emotions as energy sources. When they feel frustrated, they seek solutions.
Reality
Avoids and denies bills and relationship problems which demand integrity. Seeks people to blame.
Confronts and analyzes problems promptly. Seeks solutions and chooses the best.
Give & Take
May be willing to give, but not take; or willing to take, but not give.
Gives money, time, or effort to enhance the quality of life of loved people. Allows others to give to them.
Feedback
Does not learn from experience. Good or bad experiences are caused by luck, or fate. Little personal responsibility.
Life is a learning experience. They accept responsibility and learns from feedback. Looks for opportunities. Moves on.
Stress
Avoids reality, pessimistic, angry, attacks people when frustrated. Often anxious.
Relaxed and confident in their ability to get what they want.
Relating
Dependent, easily influenced, indecisive, or snap judgments. Is not responsible for own actions or deficiencies. Hyper-sensitive to criticism but insensitive to others' feelings.
Independent or a team-worker as required; cooperative. Can experience true empathy, required for successful relationships.
Immature adults are not children.  They have not acquired life skills which necessitate maturity. Immature adults are often self-centered and selfish. They may have little regard for others. They can be preoccupied with their own feelings and symptoms. They tend to demand constant attention, sympathy and compliments. They may also avoid participation if they can't have their own way or be the best. They may be obsessed with impressing people.
The Immature adult demands immediate gratification. They cannot wait. They seem thoughtless and impulsive. They tend to be loyal only when someone is useful. Their lives are characteristically chaotic, lacking social and financial stability.

Practical Emotional Maturity

Can you search for meaning in life that gives you a perspective of humanity, not only self-interest? Meaning in life will help you build emotional maturity and worthwhile goals for you to strive for. If you enrich, not only your life, but the lives of others, you can find a deep satisfaction that is available only to the emotionally mature.
  1. Learn to understand and accept yourself. Ask significant people to provide candid feedback about your behavior. Try to see yourself as others see you. Avoid being defensive; face reality and deal with it.
  2. Practice being unselfish. Notice how this feels and how others respond to you. Compare the responses with how others react to your selfishness. Which reactions do you prefer?
  3. Practice finding "win-win" solutions to conflicts. Avoid dominating others. If a solution to a problem isn't good for both of you, it won't be good for your relationships, or your life.
  4. Evaluate your friends and social contacts. Study people and notice which situations which bring out your best ... and your worst. Expose yourself to people and situations which bring out your best. Deal with your worst. Accept responsibility as a basis for your self-respect.
Are you entangled in difficult relationships or painful emotions? Do you suffer from old trauma? Do you suffer from your parents' drama, your partner's demands, your boss's moods? Do you want to untangle your life ... or help other people reclaim their freedom? Is your next step emotional maturity?
Are you Growing Up - or Growing Old?
  1. Can you stay in integrity, despite temptations, compromises and conflicts?
  2. Are you adaptable and capable of change?
  3. Are you responsible for your finances?
  4. Do you concern yourself with social problems and solutions?
  5. Do you live realistically, conscious of your own mortality?
  6. Do you accept your age and continue your development?
  7. Can you deal with losses and regrets?
  8. Can you feel good about yourself and enjoy your relationships?
  9. Can you solve your problems promptly?
  10. Can you accept reality as it is?
Some people pursue emotional maturity, while others create it. Mature people can cope with marriage, illness, divorce, parenthood, careers and unemployment. When mature people want help - they find the help that they need.
Immature adults often seek substitutes for parents. When immature people want help (mostly) they often act like children who cling to adults. The help they need is not the help they want. They need to mature but they want parenting.
Emotional maturity is a prerequisite for long-term happiness. Emotional immaturity is associated with unsatisfying shallow relationships. Where do you fit? Do you want to mature?
You can retain or regain many of your strengths of childhood. You can retain or regain your capacity for wonder, pleasure and playfulness, your capacity for affiliation and curiosity, and your idealism and passion.
Keys to emotional maturity are relationship clarity, a stable sense of integrity and self-acceptance. Then, dissolve mentor damage and find inspirational mentors to live the life you want to live. 
Key qualities of maturity are:
  1. Self-control: accept and control passions, emotions, desires, wishes, curiosity, freedom from being impulsive; choose to do what is right
  2. Wisdom: understanding; insight; learn from experience; make appropriate decisions; handle stressful problems
  3. Responsibility: accepting personal accountability for one's own actions; finances; conscientious work habits; integrity; reliability
  4. Independence: make decisions and observe consequences - to make better decisions
Biological maturity, psychological maturity and social maturity may correspond to Erikson's stages of adult development. (Erikson's developmental stages are - intimacy versus isolation (young adulthood), creativity versus stagnation (middle age), and integrity versus despair age 45 onwards).
Emotional Maturity helps people
*       improve personal responsibility
*       increase self-control
*       settle conflicts peacefully
*       delay gratification of long-term goals
*       persevere, complete projects
*       resolve problems without complaints
*       make decisions and keep them
*       be dependable and resourceful
Who is and who is not emotionally retarded? You can compare a person's emotional control, decision-making and relationship skills with the requirements of the systems to which a person belongs. Most people are as mature as they decide to be.
Maturity
Physical Maturity
Cognitive Maturity
*       the age of your body
*       your muscle mass and body shape
*       you can become a parent
*       can select information from available data
*       can apply information by making decisions
*       can understand and tolerate different views
Emotional Maturity
Relationship Maturity
*       can maintain self-control in adversity
*       responsible for your own decisions
*       wisdom
*       can be friendly and share resources
*       can cooperate with peers and teams
*       can communicate data and decisions
How can you mature?
"Don't say the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain
Children and childish, or immature adults often want everything now, and avoid enduring anything they do not like. They know little of personal responsibility and often rely on other people for care and protection. Immature adults are often confused about the difference between protection and control.
If you are mature, you can delay your gratification and desires and maintain your self control.

Are you Entangled?

Human entanglements (enmeshments) are unconscious blocks and habits that can hurt you and people you love. Entanglements can cause chaos and suffering. They reflect your ability to enjoy your life and your relationships. Entanglements are associated with injustice, guilt, identifications, substitutions and transferences. Most toxic entanglements are examples of identity loss.
Guilt
You reduce your happiness following abandoning, betraying or hurting someone
Injustice
You dedicate part of your life to balancing somebody's unjust behavior
Identification
You identify with another human being and lose your sense of self
Substitution
You want emotional closeness with one person but attract it from someone else
Transference
You communicate with a person as if that person were someone else

Entanglement & Freedom

Do you sometimes act like a lost child or a victim? Do you sometimes play victimizer, victim or rescuer roles? These role-playing games can be intense and have high stakes. You are betting your life.
Many families, organizations and cults encourage entanglements to control the behavior of their members. There may be rules, but some key rules are secret. And sometimes you can only lose.
Signs of Entangled Relationships
Excuses
Blaming
Complaining
Criticizing
Threatening
Coercing
Begging
Gossiping
Don't say what you mean
Don't take yourself seriously
Claim everything is your fault
Never say "No"
Don't mean what you say
Tell people not to take you seriously
Say nothing is your fault
Never say "Yes"
Don't know what you mean
Take yourself too seriously
Avoid talking about yourself
Lie, protect and cover up for people
Apologize for being alive
Are never sure what is being discussed
Talk too much
Talk in self-critical, or hostile ways
Only say what provokes people
Only express opinions when people will agree
Claim to sacrifice your happiness for others
Cannot express emotions appropriately
Compulsive spending
Believe lies
Tell lies
Become workaholic
Many people are manipulated by - and may manipulate others by - sexual entanglements. The most common are in sales - pretty young women can sell just about anything. Also common are people who provide sexual pleasure - often without receiving pleasure - in return for some benefit.
Partnership & Sexual Entanglements
*       Do you have sex when you don't want to?
*       Do you initiate sex when you feel bad?
*       Can you ask for what you want in bed?
*       Do you withdraw from your sex partner?
*       Are you disgusted by your sex partner?
*       Is sex just robotic movements?
*       Have you lost interest in sex?
*       Do you invent excuses to avoid sex?
*       Do you wish a partner would die?
*       Do you consider sexual affairs?

Long-Term Entanglements

Many codependent entanglements and dysfunctional disorders get worse over time, moving through symbiosis towards codependence and disconnection. You may become addicted to your own emotions - or addicted to hiding your emotions. What are the consequences of entanglements?
Common Consequences of Codependence
*       feel lethargic, bored or low energy
*       feel dejected and depressed
*       feel hopeless, helpless & worthless
*       feel withdrawn and isolated
*       abuse or neglect your children
*       avoid your responsibilities
*       consider self-harm or suicide
*       become aggressive and violent
*       psychosomatic disease
*       eating and sleeping disorders
*       addictions to substances
*       autoimmune disease symptoms
A few questions about your emotions an indicate your level of codependence ...
Anger / Rage
Fear / Anxiety
Sadness / Melancholy
*       Are you afraid of your own anger?
*       Are you frightened of other people's anger?
*       Do you hide or swallow your anger?
*       Are you afraid of authorities?
*       Are you afraid of being abandoned?
*       Are you afraid of consequences?
*       Do you proclaim your sadness?
*       Do you punish people who make you sad?
*       Do you feel guilt for feeling sad?
Human entanglements often include avoiding or overloading responsibility. Entangled adults often appear immature and childish, or may be overly protective (control freaks) towards other adults. Protection can be a small step from control.
Entanglements & Responsibility
*       Must you help people with problems?
*       Do you give unwanted advice?
*       Do you obsess about people's needs?
*       Do you try to please other people (but not yourself)?
*       Are you attracted to needy people?
*       Do you only attract needy people?
*       Do you feel victimized?
*       Are you overly responsible?
*       Are you overly irresponsible?

Relationship Clarity

You can develop your clarity in appropriate relationships. For example, you treat your intimate partner as a human being whom you value and with whom you want a long-term intimate relationship. If you habitually communicate to your partner as if to a child, or as a parent, or as a colleague - confusion will follow – even if both of you accept or even enjoy these roles.
Here is a useful hierarchy of relationship types, with the approximate minimum ages when most people can begin fulfilling the relationship responsibilities of that type, and example responsibilities.
Approx Age
Relationship Hierarchy
Example Relationship Skills
0+
Childhood
Express emotions, learn to walk, talk, use toilet
3+
Extended Family
Group play, patience, sharing, delay gratification
5+
Friends
Keep promises, complete tasks, trust others
11+
Teams
Active co-operation, accept group rules, modesty
16+
Partnership
Create and maintain intimacy and an intimate “space”
21+
Parenthood
Create supportive home, develop child raising skills
24+
Community
Community participation, action and support
28+
Global
Humanitarian / Environmental / Systemic activities
You can gain both clarity and skills during each relationship experience - and use these skills to prepare for subsequent relationships. If you get stuck in one relationship experience – you may be unable to advance until you master the appropriate skills. If you cannot maintain a friendship, you are unlikely to be accepted into a healthy team or a long-term partnership. Instead you may be accepted or at least tolerated by other dysfunctional people. Motivation alone is insufficient. Skill is needed.
If you are “stuck” at some relationship level, you may appear immature and emotionally age regressed – and people may say that you act like a child. Some parents may comment about all their children – including their immature partner with real children.

Dynamic & Frozen Relationships

Your relationships are dynamic if you are developing on many levels, while testing and pushing your limits. Dynamic relationships allow freedom, growth and inter-dependence. Or your relationships can be called “frozen” if you avoid challenges and development. Frozen relationships are often attempts to cling to old beliefs and decisions. People in frozen relationships often avoid clarity and prefer foggy communication. Communicating with such people can be like talking to foggy walls.
It is useful to recognize the abstractions you use while communicating. If communication is arbitrarily divided into levels of abstraction, (sometimes called “Logical Levels” ) the following hierarchy results, with example questions that you can use to increase clarity.
Abstraction
Self Questions
Relationship Questions
Things
What is it? What does it do?
Who does it belong to? How can we use it?
Emotions
What am I feeling?
What do I want you to feel? How do you respond to me? How do you express emotions?
Communication
What do I express? What do I respond to?
How do you respond to me? What are your wishes?
Actions & Consequences
What am I doing? What do I want?
How do you respond to my actions? How do I respond to your wishes?
Competencies
What am I capable of? What else can I do?
Who does this influence? Who should do this?
Beliefs
What is true? What is possible? What is right?
How can we express our beliefs? How do we respond to each other’s beliefs? How do we decide what is right?
Values
What is important? What is worthwhile?
What values do we share? Whose values are most important?
Identity
Who am I? What are my qualities?
Who are you? What are our relationship responsibilities?
Relationships
What am I part of? What is my role?
How close or distant are we? How can we co-operate together?
Planet / Humanity
Why am I here? What is my purpose?
How do our lives affect this planet? What can we do to help our planet survive?
Creation / Cosmos
What is the purpose of creation?
What are our relationships with unmanifest creation and with a manifest universe?
These are examples of how you may clarify concepts and presuppositions within your relationships.
Remember, emotional maturity doesn’t just happen.  It is cultivated through growth, perseverance, and commitment to change.



No comments:

Post a Comment