 |
| I appreciate my inner warrior! |
Crowspeak
Thursday, May 31, 2012
With Deep Gratitude To Domenica For Her Profound Help
NEUTRAILTY
IS PEACE: THREE WAYS TO RETURN HOME FROM DRAMA
I.
Place
your emotional body (or your head if you're a thinker) across the
room
Feel
the spaciousness
II.
Travel behind yourself till you feel the spaciousness of your own true nature
Linger there awhile then review the drama that was in front of you with new eyes, with neutral eyes
III
Let
a large,totally benevolent, far away vessel traveling overhead take
your emotional body; Feel the spaciousness awhile
Let
a large,totally benevolent, far away vessel traveling overhead take
your mental body; Feel the spaciousness awhile
Let
that large,totally benevolent, far away vessel traveling overhead
take your physical body and notice the spaciousness
One
by one call in the pieces of your true nature. Let each piece have
plenty of space. Welcome all aspects...
Feel
your true nature within the spaciousness
Ground this truth deeply into the center of the Earth
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
The Six Greatest Fears About Counseling
It is normal to feel nervous when you are thinking of starting therapy. Our impression of what happens in a therapy office often comes from what we see in movies and TV. Fortunately, reality is a lot more pleasant. The following is a list of common fears people have before starting therapy.
Additionally, there are many different reasons that people come to therapy. Some people seek therapy when something in their life feels “stuck” in some way. However, many people come to “take their life to the next level.” These are people who have a good life, but who want things to be even better.
Fortunately most people find that their fears about therapy soon pass. Ultimately, their therapeutic journey can be one of the most fulfilling and enriching experiences of their lives.
The 6 Scariest Myths About Therapy
It is normal to feel nervous when you are thinking of starting therapy. Our impression of what happens in a therapy office often comes from what we see in movies and TV. Fortunately, reality is a lot more pleasant. The following is a list of common fears people have before starting therapy.
1. I will have to reveal all my secrets.
New clients often worry that they will have to disclose their deepest and most embarrassing details of their life. I always encourage clients to share only as much as they feel comfortable. It is true, that honesty helps in therapy, but it is also true that trust takes time to develop. It is far better to share your life at a pace that you feel comfortable with.2. People will think less of me for seeing a therapist.
Most people have heard the cliché that, “men won’t ask for directions – they would rather drive around lost for hours.” I would be lying, if I said I was not guilty of this myself from time-to-time. We laugh at this cliché, because we realize that it is better to ask for help when we need it, rather than endlessly struggle alone. I believe it is a sign of strength and maturity to seek help when it is needed.Additionally, there are many different reasons that people come to therapy. Some people seek therapy when something in their life feels “stuck” in some way. However, many people come to “take their life to the next level.” These are people who have a good life, but who want things to be even better.
3. I will change into someone else.
Growth takes time to occur. Most people who are in therapy for some time, experience their change as “growth”. They are able to look back at their past experiences with new-found clarity. This is similar to how we matured when we were children. As each year passed, we saw ourselves and the world a little different.4. Men in white coats will take me away.
Only in extremely rare cases, can someone be forced to get help against their will. This only happens if a person is actively planning to do serious physical harm to themselves or others. Even if a person is having suicidal thoughts; unless there is reason to believe that this person will carry those plans out in the near future, no one can force them to get help.5. Someone will find out that I am in therapy.
Your confidentiality is essential for a client-therapist relationship and is very well protected by law. Nothing you say will ever be reveal to anyone. There are a few important exceptions as required by law. For example, I must make a report if I hear of a child being abused. Besides the specific cases mandated by law, there is no way for anyone to find out if you are in therapy. Even if someone calls my office and asks if you are a client, I do not reveal that information.6. My therapist will be able to see through me.
Therapists have training and experience that helps them to be very insightful. This is what helps them be supporting and caring partner in people’s lives. However, none of them have special powers to see through people. In fact, I often find myself in awe of my client’s infinite and beautiful complexity.Fortunately most people find that their fears about therapy soon pass. Ultimately, their therapeutic journey can be one of the most fulfilling and enriching experiences of their lives.
Psychobabble: Triangulation
In efforts to describe family processes that extend beyond the dyadic level, the idea of triangles within the family, or triangulation,
is one of the more robust theoretical concepts that has emerged.
Triangulation can occur in a variety of ways, but always involves a pair
of family members incorporating or rejecting a third family member.
Triangulation is seen in the cross-generational coalitions that can develop within families, a concept that many family therapists, including such prominent pioneers as Murray Bowen (see Bowen 1966, 1978; Kerr and Bowen 1988) and Salvador Minuchin (see Minuchin 1974), have linked to the development of maladjustment in children. Although the theoretical models of both of these men extend far beyond the concept of triangulation, their theories were foremost among those that helped establish the construct as an important one.
Bowen. One of the seminal constructs of Bowen's theory is the idea of an emotional triangle (Friedman 1991). In Bowenian terms, triangles occur in all families and social groups (Hoffman 1981). They are fluid—rather than static—as all two-person relationships go through cycles of closeness and distance (as dictated by individuals' varying needs for connectedness and autonomy). Drawing in a third party is one way to try and stabilize the relationship.
For Bowen, triangles are most likely to develop when a dyad is experiencing stress (Nichols and Schwartz 1995). Triangulating patterns tend to become rigid when created under duress but tend to be more flexible during calmer periods in the family life-cycle (Hoffman 1981). When tension exists between two family members, one of them (most likely the person experiencing the greater level of discomfort) may attempt to "triangle in" a third person either directly or indirectly (e.g., by bringing them up, telling a story about them).
For example, in the case of marital triangles, a husband who is upset with his wife might start spending more time with their child or a distressed wife might start confiding about the marital difficulties with their child. Both situations result in a temporary reduction of marital tension though the essential problem remains unresolved. A third party (e.g., child, friend) who is sensitive to one spouse's anxiety or to the conflict between the dyad can also insert themselves into the dyad and thereby create a triangle as they try to offer reassurance, advice, or pleadings to reduce the conflict.
Minuchin. Salvador Minuchin is credited with developing the structural school of family therapy (Minuchin 1974). The term family structure refers to the organized patterns in which family members interact. When certain sequences of interaction are repeated, enduring patterns or covert rules can be created that determine how, when, and to whom family members relate (Nicholas and Schwartz 1995).
Each individual, like dyads and larger groups, is a subsystem (Minuchin 1974). Individuals and subsystems are demarcated by inter-personal boundaries: invisible barriers that surround individuals and subsystems and regulate the amount of contact with others. Boundaries vary from rigid to diffuse and one of their functions is to manage hierarchy within the family.
Detouring and cross-generational coalitions are two types of triangulation described by Minuchin (Minuchin 1974). When parents are unable to resolve problems between them, they may direct their focus of concern away from themselves and onto the child, perhaps reinforcing maladaptive behavior in the child. The child may then become identified as the problematic member of the family. Detouring occurs when parents, rather than directing anger or criticism toward each other, focus the negativity on the child and the parent-child conflict thus serves to distract from the tension in the marital subsystem.
This type of triangulation also is sometimes referred to as scapegoating as the child's well-being is sacrificed in order that the marital conflict might be avoided (Minuchin 1974). Cross-generational coalitions develop when one or both parents trying to enlist the support of the child against the other parent. Cross-generational coalitions also exist when one of the parents responds to the child's needs with excessive concern and devotion (enmeshment) while the other parent withdraws and becomes less responsive. In the latter situation, the attention to the child is supportive rather than critical or conflictual. Minuchin believed cross-generational coalitions to be particularly associated with psychosomatic illness (Minuchin, Rosman, and Baker 1978) and recent research also shows associations with marital distress (e.g., Kerig 1995; Lindahl, Clements, and Markman 1997).
Triangulation is seen in the cross-generational coalitions that can develop within families, a concept that many family therapists, including such prominent pioneers as Murray Bowen (see Bowen 1966, 1978; Kerr and Bowen 1988) and Salvador Minuchin (see Minuchin 1974), have linked to the development of maladjustment in children. Although the theoretical models of both of these men extend far beyond the concept of triangulation, their theories were foremost among those that helped establish the construct as an important one.
Bowen. One of the seminal constructs of Bowen's theory is the idea of an emotional triangle (Friedman 1991). In Bowenian terms, triangles occur in all families and social groups (Hoffman 1981). They are fluid—rather than static—as all two-person relationships go through cycles of closeness and distance (as dictated by individuals' varying needs for connectedness and autonomy). Drawing in a third party is one way to try and stabilize the relationship.
For Bowen, triangles are most likely to develop when a dyad is experiencing stress (Nichols and Schwartz 1995). Triangulating patterns tend to become rigid when created under duress but tend to be more flexible during calmer periods in the family life-cycle (Hoffman 1981). When tension exists between two family members, one of them (most likely the person experiencing the greater level of discomfort) may attempt to "triangle in" a third person either directly or indirectly (e.g., by bringing them up, telling a story about them).
For example, in the case of marital triangles, a husband who is upset with his wife might start spending more time with their child or a distressed wife might start confiding about the marital difficulties with their child. Both situations result in a temporary reduction of marital tension though the essential problem remains unresolved. A third party (e.g., child, friend) who is sensitive to one spouse's anxiety or to the conflict between the dyad can also insert themselves into the dyad and thereby create a triangle as they try to offer reassurance, advice, or pleadings to reduce the conflict.
Minuchin. Salvador Minuchin is credited with developing the structural school of family therapy (Minuchin 1974). The term family structure refers to the organized patterns in which family members interact. When certain sequences of interaction are repeated, enduring patterns or covert rules can be created that determine how, when, and to whom family members relate (Nicholas and Schwartz 1995).
Each individual, like dyads and larger groups, is a subsystem (Minuchin 1974). Individuals and subsystems are demarcated by inter-personal boundaries: invisible barriers that surround individuals and subsystems and regulate the amount of contact with others. Boundaries vary from rigid to diffuse and one of their functions is to manage hierarchy within the family.
Detouring and cross-generational coalitions are two types of triangulation described by Minuchin (Minuchin 1974). When parents are unable to resolve problems between them, they may direct their focus of concern away from themselves and onto the child, perhaps reinforcing maladaptive behavior in the child. The child may then become identified as the problematic member of the family. Detouring occurs when parents, rather than directing anger or criticism toward each other, focus the negativity on the child and the parent-child conflict thus serves to distract from the tension in the marital subsystem.
This type of triangulation also is sometimes referred to as scapegoating as the child's well-being is sacrificed in order that the marital conflict might be avoided (Minuchin 1974). Cross-generational coalitions develop when one or both parents trying to enlist the support of the child against the other parent. Cross-generational coalitions also exist when one of the parents responds to the child's needs with excessive concern and devotion (enmeshment) while the other parent withdraws and becomes less responsive. In the latter situation, the attention to the child is supportive rather than critical or conflictual. Minuchin believed cross-generational coalitions to be particularly associated with psychosomatic illness (Minuchin, Rosman, and Baker 1978) and recent research also shows associations with marital distress (e.g., Kerig 1995; Lindahl, Clements, and Markman 1997).
The Stigma of Therapy
Most
psychotherapists are weird. I love you guys, but seriously. Our jobs
are weird, we think about weird things. We sit in a room with
complete strangers and listen to their most intimate thoughts and
feelings. That’s weird. We then offer insight based on education,
clinical experience, and instinct. However, we don’t really do
anything about it. We stay there while the patient returns to the
real world and tries to make sense of our feedback. It’s just not
normal to do that. Face it, what we do is weird.
When
people come in for the first session it is often with anxiety and
hesitation. They are usually feeling vulnerable, exposed,
embarrassed, and possibly frustrated. They always feel awkward.
But, the discomfort is not only due to the unusual nature of what we
are doing. The problem is the stigma that follows them into my
office.
We
are living in an age of denial. As a culture we have become masters
of pretending like our problems don’t exist. Racism? We are past
that. Sexism? Nope, equality is our middle name. Abuse? Doesn’t
happen here. Just check our facebook pages.
No sign of a problem anywhere. Everyone’s smiling in the pictures.
No one takes a picture of themselves yelling at their kids.
We have become illusionists, skilled at the art of deception. We
identify with our façade, the person we create to carry out the
misdirection. Our façade distracts the audience while the monsters
destroy the scene.
To
walk into my office and tell me why you are here is a betrayal of
that system. We aren’t supposed to have problems that require this
kind of help. We are supposed to be able to pick ourselves up by our
own boot straps. We shouldn’t be so sensitive. We should be more
prayerful, just have more faith. We should be able to handle it on
our own. We are not supposed to be weak. We are supposed to be
strong. We are supposed to be intellectual. Quit being such a big
baby. We should just get over it.
The
easiest thing you’ll ever do is to not get help for a problem.
It’s easy to use the system of distraction and rationalization to
avoid change. It is hard to admit the need for help. By seeking
help you are doing the hard thing. You are showing strength by
admitting weakness. If you are struggling with chronic emotional
distress please do not fall victim to the stigma of weakness. If you
seek help you are being strong.
Psychotherapists
are weird but the awkwardness comes from a good place. We
stand in defiance of a culture of avoidance and distraction.
We foster authenticity and transparency. By speaking the
uncomfortable words we drain them of power. If these issues no
longer have the power to dictate your decisions, then you are free to
live a more authentic and contented life. I encourage everyone to
embrace the appearance of weakness because it will result in
strength.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
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