Night
Light In The Hallway: Getting Through Grief And Transition
Dixie
St John
There
are two kinds of endings. Both are a form of death that stimulate
growth.
- Pro Active Endings which are like prunings that are Self or Universe initiated, and
- Cyclical, Natural Endings like leaves falling, which include life cycle endings, empty nest syndromes, etc
Although
any true growth requires that we first release ,we live in a change
focused, transition and endings ignoring society that denies that
endings are necessary. Our collective mindset is all about
INCREASING. We add numbers of Facebook friends, clients, and even
shoes.
In
our culture we have a bias against comprehensive grief process.
People tell us not to cry over spilt milk, that the past is the past,
to get over it, and to move on. Our culture tends to approach life losses ion
one of two ways, 1.) to simply deny or avoids endings and / or 2.) to
label them as pathological.
Transition,
the process of ending an old way of being, takes time and unlike
depression, is a very active process. But to avoid the discomfort of
the endings, we tend to rebound not just with other relationships but
with other ideas and never quite complete the process.
The
stages that mark the ending process are what you allow and experience
not what you do. Disenchantment asks the question “How can I?”
Realizing one's world is no longer real and that life no longer seems
reasonable we ask “How can I believe this anymore? How can I go on
this same way” There's a loss and then on top of that loss, a loss
of innocence.
If
we don't allow ourselves time to experience disenchantment and to
understand it fully, we will likely go to disillusionment and not
allow ourselves to be transformed by our loss. In disillusionment we
are more cynical and simply switch to a new partner or belief system,
eliminated our chance for true growth.
Disengagement
asks “What am I?” Here we disengage from the context in which
we've known ourselves and break connections in a physical way.
Indigenous cultures had rituals to prepare people for this stage.
Dismantling
asks “What am I? Here we're taking apart the internal structures,
rendering them uninhabited, like ghost towns. Slowly we start
thinking of ourself as I not we. This takes considerable time and
requires significant emotional release. It's useful to know that
emotions are the response to the grief process not the process
itself.
Dis-identification
asks “Who am I?” How do I describe myself now? At this place I am
not sure who I am and this is perfectly normal. I'm no longer his
partner, their Grandma, as young as I was when we first connected
etc., This stage can create a profound dis-orientation.
Dis-orientation
asks “ Where am I?” In this middle stage of the transition, as
our culture pathologies, we often feel panicky and lost. Here's where
we tend to freak out. Martha calls this Square One Change and
identifies it as a living hell. Her mantra for this place is “I
don't know what the hell's going on here and that's okay.” This is
the in between phase of the process and the least supported by our
culture. Unfortunately this lack of support undermines the time we
need to re-orient.
In
Martha's Stages of Change, Step One, The Meltdown is illustrated as
the caterpillar becomes a butterfly. While engaged in this
transformation, the caterpillar wraps herself up in a cocoon
(disengages) and begins to dissolve (dismantles) losing every habit
and all predictability until she becomes a blob / soup. Here
disorientation is in full swing. The caterpillar is in the hallway! A
butterfly is NOT a caterpillar without legs but something absolutely
and completely different. This process cannot be rushed!
Dixie's
advise:
Wallow
in your grief. Grief is energy. It's emotion. The intensity of your
grief depends on how emotionally invested you were in what you lost.
It comes in waves and if you don't fight it, emotional grief cramps
will overtake you, cleanse and benefit you and last approximately 90
seconds each. Experiencing this will help you digest and metabolize
your losses.
Remember
that grief is almost the opposite of depression. It's an active,
dynamic process. It is called the deep liver of the Soul. It wakes
you up at every level and helps you answer two questions: 1. What
must be mourned? And 2. What must be released completely?
Commemorate
your losses. A death of part of your identity has occurred. When
you're ready make a time capsule, create a ceremony...
Some
retreating is essential. On the eve of their rebirth Jesus, Buddha,
Lao Tse, St paul all did this...
Stay
present in your body. Your brain will lie to you but your body won't.
Breathe when you feel like pushing.
Dose.
Do concentrated mourning giving yourself a time and place for grief
and thereby meeting it halfway and eliciting the process. Dixie works
with her vertigo this way and tries to meet the spin by shaking her
head fiercely at onset.
Use
comfort care for your pain. Loss and transition hurt. Acknowledge and
name the hurts. Dixie calls this kissing the boo boo. Call yourself
by name and ask where it hurts then ask your body what she needs and
give it! You're engaging your senses and your body won't lie.
Sometimes when she needs comfort, Dixie swaddles herself into a
cocoon .
And
when we launch into our stories (our dirty pain) label our stories.
Name the monsters in the hallway so we can say oh that's my “I'll
never regain my self esteem story.” This may sometimes help us
detach from the drama.
Finally
allow your eyes top adjust to the darkness. When you do you'll find
you are able to make out the next step ahead.
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