Pesky Obstacles

What are the major pitfalls to successful couple's communication? What stops listening? What stops open expression?

Here is a small list to start with.....

*Expecting others to know how we're feeling or what we want without expressing ourselves directly and clearly..Expecting others to read our minds or fill in the gaps... A killer!..misunderstandings can be rife.

*On guard for being controlled. We see being controlled around every corner. This leads to automatic opposition on our parts which dampens communication.

*Conflict avoidance--sweeping it under the rug. Conflict avoidance is often fueled by silly beliefs like "people in love shouldn't argue or disagree". Perhaps we're fearful of hurting another's feelings or being hurt ourselves. Some people can get very frustrated with folks who are constant conflict avoiders. Some level of conflict should be expected in any relationship and those relationship that are seemingly free of conflict may have something else going on in the relationship,i.e a deadening of feelings or real emotional investment in the relationship has stopped. The trick is in how people negotiate these conflicts. Leaving unsaid what needs to be said is not likely to stop a divorce from happening but make it more likely.Important but unexpressed feelings can lead to resentment in the longer term.

*Anxiety about disapproval and rejection often stops some people from expressing themselves.... They don't get their preferences, wants, and desires addressed because they're too fearful of voicing them and being specific. People suffering with approval-need-itus will be afraid to let others know what's really happening inside themselves and the real person is kept hidden. This also is likely to increase the chances of divorce.

*Passive-aggressive behavior, a very indirect and often highly frustrating way of expressing anger and annoyance. Passive-aggressive behavior can decimate couple communication. Passive aggression is sometimes mistaken for conflict avoidance and vice versa.

*Strong fearful or negative attitudes towards change may block persons from even asking for it. Here people label their partners as unalterable, stubborn, always like "that". "What's the use"?..."They never will" and "they always" and this can stop them from even trying or they will try ineffective methods to enact change...this can ultimately lead to divorce too if it goes on without it leading to change but only to frustration.

*Believing we must not have certain kinds of feelings or express them. We should never be anxious, envious, jealous, angry, or down. This leads to an inhibition in expressing how we feel. Some people who feel angry but lacking a suitable outlet for that anger turn in upon themselves...the is sure fire route to depression.

*We become silent martyrs to indirectly get attention. Sulking and pouting are in this vein. This does wonders for couple communication. NOT! Complaining, nagging, cajoling, and becoming a victim are more direct “derailers” of good communications.

Blaming our partner and seeing them as the sole cause of a problem.

*Believing we're absolutely right and the other person is wrong, wrong, wrong plain and simply wrong, this is where communication can break down. Proving a point becomes more important than the marriage or relationship. Winning the battle becomes everything even to the point of losing the campaign.

*Defensiveness. One of he Big No No's. This is where we shut down listening to others because of the fear of "criticism".(criticism should not be part of communication either ,it really is another no no, so lets say constructive feedback) Here we argue and defend ourselves instead of hearing the other person out and noticing that there is a kernel of truth in their statements. (Sometimes many kernels)

* Lack of trust. We wall ourselves off because we automatically assume we're going to be ripped off in some way or come out one down in the exchange. This makes communication difficult. You wont' stop your divorce if you never talk and allow a safe place for your partner to talk.

*Helpaholism. Compulsively seeking to help when others just want to be heard. Helps to create frustration.

*Hidden agendas. The actual motives for why we want to do something are not being voiced or covered up...

*Global labels and generalizations distort communication. They can be used to personally attack someone instead of focusing on specifics.

*Regurgitating the past (both distant and near) can stifle present communications.

*Threats block communications. Threatening divorce or mayhem can shut down communications and before long you will be looking around for some way to save your marriage.

*Changing the subject.

Being overly placating. This frustrates others because they sense we don't want to communicate or that we're not really involved.

*Our minds are elsewhere either daydreaming or displays or impatience.(finger drumming, foot tapping etc...)

*Selectively hearing only parts of the other person's communication.usually the part we agree with.