Thanks Janet

Reaching Out    

by Henri Nouwen

 

 

The difficult road is the road of conversion, the conversion from loneliness into solitude.  Instead of running away from our loneliness and trying to forget or deny it, we have to protect it and turn it into a fruitful solitude.  To live a spiritual life, we must first find the courage to enter into the desert of our loneliness and to change it by gentle and persistent efforts into a garden of solitude.  This requires not only courage, but also a strong faith.  As hard as it is to believe that the dry, desolate desert can yield endless varieties of flowers, it is equally hard to imagine that our loneliness is hiding unknown beauty.  The movement from loneliness to solitude, however, is the beginning of any spiritual life because it is the movement from the restless senses to the restful spirit, from the outward-reaching cravings to the inward-reaching search, from the fearful clinging to the fearless play.   .

 

Cousin Devra

She left one week ago last Tuesday and returned on Thursday after a determined (and successful) effort to bring attention to the medical mistreatment and case of the imprisoned human rights hero Zhu Yufu.  For those who haven't read it, see:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/chinese-prison-officials-thwart-virginia-doctors-effort-to-visit-ailing-dissident/2013/10/12/a94c8a04-3313-11e3-9c68-1cf643210300_story.html 

Her article about the trip appeared in Friday's Wall Street Journal at:

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304561004579136761314880906.html?mod=WSJ_Opinion_LEFTTopOpinion 

Finally, here is the most telling report on the impact of the trip, written by China Aid founder Bob Fu:   

Devra's mission has accomplished more than anyone hoped it would and its positive effects continue to grow.  Even though all wished that the Chinese government would have allowed her to visit Zhu Yufu, her visit opened the door to the entry into the case of a distinguished Chinese attorney ready to use all of his skills and standing to publicly battle for Zhu's release.  It has also given spirit to Zhu's family, who have left me many long messages with "Thank Devra" comments.  It has also meant very, very much to many many other Chinese prisoners of conscience and their families.  To date, millions of people in China and elsewhere are aware of what Devra did.  The Chinese microblog Weibo and VOA,RFA as well as similar radio programs from France and Germany have covered her conduct in China.  Chen Guangcheng and his wife told me on Wednesday that they have followed what Devra did very closely with thankfulness. The overseas Chinese dissident community has been greatly encouraged too. Finally, the visit has brought further attention in Washington to the need for greater US support of Internet firewall circumvention systems, so that hundreds of millions of people in China (and Iran, Vietnam, Syria, Cuba, North Korea and other closed societies) can freely and safely receive information that their regimes seek to isolate them from.

Devra's visit has become a great gift to many now seeking political, cultural and religious freedom in China -- it has taught them that they are not alone and has helped break the powerful lie told to them that their struggles count for nothing and go unnoticed.

Thank You Pema

“... We cannot be present and run our storylines at the same time. Impermanence is vivid in the present moment as are compassion, wonder, courage, and fear, Anyone who stands on the edge of the unknown, fully in the present, without reference point, experiences groundlessness. That's when our understanding goes deeper, when we find that the present moment is a pretty vulnerable place and that this can be completely unnerving and completely tender at the same time ...” Pema Chodron

Camino Santiago

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/travel/article-2159915/Walk-lifetime-Why-epic-Camino-trail-Spain-route-true-happiness.html

Maturity

Maturity

Elizabeth Wallmann-Filley

The quality of relationships reflects maturity. To improve relationships and the quality of life, first consider if you, and than those around you, have really been able to fully grow into a mature state of being.

1. The age indicates how many years your body has been alive.
2. The intellectual quotient (IQ) compares your intelligence to your age.
3. The social maturity compares your social development to your age.
4. The emotional maturity compares your emotional maturity to your age.

We may have little control over our chronological age and IQ; however one can develop social and emotional maturity. Emotional maturity is difficult for those who habitually excuse themselves, justify mistakes and blame others.
Look at yourself first: How old are you emotionally?  Compare your behavior to emotional immaturity and emotional maturity. Then consider these concepts with those around you. Balance and maturity go hand in hand.

	Emotional Immaturity	Emotional Maturity
Love	Love is need. Demands affection and love but avoids any sign of "weakness" and has difficulty showing and accepting love.	Love is sharing. Fosters a sense of security which allows vulnerability and sharing. Can express love and accept expressions of love.
Emotions	Cannot handle frustration or criticism; jealous, unwilling to forgive, fluctuating moods. Temper tantrums. Fears change.	Use emotions as energy sources. When they feel frustrated, they seek solutions.
Reality	Avoids and denies bills and relationship problems which demand integrity. Seeks people to blame.	Confronts and analyzes problems promptly. Seeks solutions and chooses the best.
Give & Take	May be willing to give, but not take; or willing to take, but not give.	Gives money, time, or effort to enhance the quality of life of loved people. Allows others to give to them.
Feedback	Does not learn from experience. Good or bad experiences are caused by luck, or fate. Little personal responsibility.	Life is a learning experience. They accept responsibility and learns from feedback. Looks for opportunities. Moves on.
Stress	Avoids reality, pessimistic, angry, attacks people when frustrated. Often anxious.	Relaxed and confident in their ability to get what they want.
Relating	Dependent, easily influenced, indecisive, or snap judgments. Is not responsible for own actions or deficiencies. Hyper-sensitive to criticism but insensitive to others' feelings.	Independent or a team-worker as required; cooperative. Can experience true empathy, required for successful relationships.

Immature adults are not children.  They have not acquired life skills which necessitate maturity. Immature adults are often self-centered and selfish. They may have little regard for others. They can be preoccupied with their own feelings and symptoms. They tend to demand constant attention, sympathy and compliments. They may also avoid participation if they can't have their own way or be the best. They may be obsessed with impressing people.
The Immature adult demands immediate gratification. They cannot wait. They seem thoughtless and impulsive. They tend to be loyal only when someone is useful. Their lives are characteristically chaotic, lacking social and financial stability.

Practical Emotional Maturity

Can you search for meaning in life that gives you a perspective of humanity, not only self-interest? Meaning in life will help you build emotional maturity and worthwhile goals for you to strive for. If you enrich, not only your life, but the lives of others, you can find a deep satisfaction that is available only to the emotionally mature.

1. Learn to understand and accept yourself. Ask significant people to provide candid feedback about your behavior. Try to see yourself as others see you. Avoid being defensive; face reality and deal with it.
2. Practice being unselfish. Notice how this feels and how others respond to you. Compare the responses with how others react to your selfishness. Which reactions do you prefer?
3. Practice finding "win-win" solutions to conflicts. Avoid dominating others. If a solution to a problem isn't good for both of you, it won't be good for your relationships, or your life.
4. Evaluate your friends and social contacts. Study people and notice which situations which bring out your best ... and your worst. Expose yourself to people and situations which bring out your best. Deal with your worst. Accept responsibility as a basis for your self-respect.

Are you entangled in difficult relationships or painful emotions? Do you suffer from old trauma? Do you suffer from your parents' drama, your partner's demands, your boss's moods? Do you want to untangle your life ... or help other people reclaim their freedom? Is your next step emotional maturity?

Are you Growing Up - or Growing Old?

1. Can you stay in integrity, despite temptations, compromises and conflicts?
2. Are you adaptable and capable of change?
3. Are you responsible for your finances?
4. Do you concern yourself with social problems and solutions?
5. Do you live realistically, conscious of your own mortality?
6. Do you accept your age and continue your development?
7. Can you deal with losses and regrets?
8. Can you feel good about yourself and enjoy your relationships?
9. Can you solve your problems promptly?
10. Can you accept reality as it is?

Some people pursue emotional maturity, while others create it. Mature people can cope with marriage, illness, divorce, parenthood, careers and unemployment. When mature people want help - they find the help that they need.
Immature adults often seek substitutes for parents. When immature people want help (mostly) they often act like children who cling to adults. The help they need is not the help they want. They need to mature but they want parenting.
Emotional maturity is a prerequisite for long-term happiness. Emotional immaturity is associated with unsatisfying shallow relationships. Where do you fit? Do you want to mature?
You can retain or regain many of your strengths of childhood. You can retain or regain your capacity for wonder, pleasure and playfulness, your capacity for affiliation and curiosity, and your idealism and passion.
Keys to emotional maturity are relationship clarity, a stable sense of integrity and self-acceptance. Then, dissolve mentor damage and find inspirational mentors to live the life you want to live. 
Key qualities of maturity are:

1. Self-control: accept and control passions, emotions, desires, wishes, curiosity, freedom from being impulsive; choose to do what is right
2. Wisdom: understanding; insight; learn from experience; make appropriate decisions; handle stressful problems
3. Responsibility: accepting personal accountability for one's own actions; finances; conscientious work habits; integrity; reliability
4. Independence: make decisions and observe consequences - to make better decisions

Biological maturity, psychological maturity and social maturity may correspond to Erikson's stages of adult development. (Erikson's developmental stages are - intimacy versus isolation (young adulthood), creativity versus stagnation (middle age), and integrity versus despair age 45 onwards).
Emotional Maturity helps people

improve personal responsibility        increase self-control        settle conflicts peacefully        delay gratification of long-term goals

persevere, complete projects        resolve problems without complaints        make decisions and keep them        be dependable and resourceful

Who is and who is not emotionally retarded? You can compare a person's emotional control, decision-making and relationship skills with the requirements of the systems to which a person belongs. Most people are as mature as they decide to be.

Maturity
Physical Maturity	Cognitive Maturity
the age of your body        your muscle mass and body shape        you can become a parent	can select information from available data        can apply information by making decisions        can understand and tolerate different views
Emotional Maturity	Relationship Maturity
can maintain self-control in adversity        responsible for your own decisions        wisdom	can be friendly and share resources        can cooperate with peers and teams        can communicate data and decisions

How can you mature?

"Don't say the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain

Children and childish, or immature adults often want everything now, and avoid enduring anything they do not like. They know little of personal responsibility and often rely on other people for care and protection. Immature adults are often confused about the difference between protection and control.
If you are mature, you can delay your gratification and desires and maintain your self control.

Are you Entangled?

Human entanglements (enmeshments) are unconscious blocks and habits that can hurt you and people you love. Entanglements can cause chaos and suffering. They reflect your ability to enjoy your life and your relationships. Entanglements are associated with injustice, guilt, identifications, substitutions and transferences. Most toxic entanglements are examples of identity loss.

Guilt	You reduce your happiness following abandoning, betraying or hurting someone
Injustice	You dedicate part of your life to balancing somebody's unjust behavior
Identification	You identify with another human being and lose your sense of self
Substitution	You want emotional closeness with one person but attract it from someone else
Transference	You communicate with a person as if that person were someone else

Entanglement & Freedom

Do you sometimes act like a lost child or a victim? Do you sometimes play victimizer, victim or rescuer roles? These role-playing games can be intense and have high stakes. You are betting your life.
Many families, organizations and cults encourage entanglements to control the behavior of their members. There may be rules, but some key rules are secret. And sometimes you can only lose.

Signs of Entangled Relationships
Excuses	Blaming	Complaining	Criticizing
Threatening	Coercing	Begging	Gossiping
Don't say what you mean	Don't take yourself seriously	Claim everything is your fault	Never say "No"
Don't mean what you say	Tell people not to take you seriously	Say nothing is your fault	Never say "Yes"
Don't know what you mean	Take yourself too seriously	Avoid talking about yourself	Lie, protect and cover up for people
Apologize for being alive	Are never sure what is being discussed	Talk too much	Talk in self-critical, or hostile ways
Only say what provokes people	Only express opinions when people will agree	Claim to sacrifice your happiness for others	Cannot express emotions appropriately
Compulsive spending	Believe lies	Tell lies	Become workaholic

Many people are manipulated by - and may manipulate others by - sexual entanglements. The most common are in sales - pretty young women can sell just about anything. Also common are people who provide sexual pleasure - often without receiving pleasure - in return for some benefit.

Partnership & Sexual Entanglements
Do you have sex when you don't want to?        Do you initiate sex when you feel bad?        Can you ask for what you want in bed?        Do you withdraw from your sex partner?        Are you disgusted by your sex partner?	Is sex just robotic movements?        Have you lost interest in sex?        Do you invent excuses to avoid sex?        Do you wish a partner would die?        Do you consider sexual affairs?

Long-Term Entanglements

Many codependent entanglements and dysfunctional disorders get worse over time, moving through symbiosis towards codependence and disconnection. You may become addicted to your own emotions - or addicted to hiding your emotions. What are the consequences of entanglements?

Common Consequences of Codependence
feel lethargic, bored or low energy        feel dejected and depressed        feel hopeless, helpless & worthless        feel withdrawn and isolated        abuse or neglect your children        avoid your responsibilities	consider self-harm or suicide        become aggressive and violent        psychosomatic disease        eating and sleeping disorders        addictions to substances        autoimmune disease symptoms

A few questions about your emotions an indicate your level of codependence ...

Anger / Rage	Fear / Anxiety	Sadness / Melancholy
Are you afraid of your own anger?        Are you frightened of other people's anger?        Do you hide or swallow your anger?	Are you afraid of authorities?        Are you afraid of being abandoned?        Are you afraid of consequences?	Do you proclaim your sadness?        Do you punish people who make you sad?        Do you feel guilt for feeling sad?

Human entanglements often include avoiding or overloading responsibility. Entangled adults often appear immature and childish, or may be overly protective (control freaks) towards other adults. Protection can be a small step from control.

Entanglements & Responsibility
Must you help people with problems?        Do you give unwanted advice?        Do you obsess about people's needs?        Do you try to please other people (but not yourself)?	Are you attracted to needy people?        Do you only attract needy people?        Do you feel victimized?        Are you overly responsible?        Are you overly irresponsible?

Relationship Clarity

You can develop your clarity in appropriate relationships. For example, you treat your intimate partner as a human being whom you value and with whom you want a long-term intimate relationship. If you habitually communicate to your partner as if to a child, or as a parent, or as a colleague - confusion will follow – even if both of you accept or even enjoy these roles.
Here is a useful hierarchy of relationship types, with the approximate minimum ages when most people can begin fulfilling the relationship responsibilities of that type, and example responsibilities.

Approx Age	Relationship Hierarchy	Example Relationship Skills
0+	Childhood	Express emotions, learn to walk, talk, use toilet
3+	Extended Family	Group play, patience, sharing, delay gratification
5+	Friends	Keep promises, complete tasks, trust others
11+	Teams	Active co-operation, accept group rules, modesty
16+	Partnership	Create and maintain intimacy and an intimate “space”
21+	Parenthood	Create supportive home, develop child raising skills
24+	Community	Community participation, action and support
28+	Global	Humanitarian / Environmental / Systemic activities

You can gain both clarity and skills during each relationship experience - and use these skills to prepare for subsequent relationships. If you get stuck in one relationship experience – you may be unable to advance until you master the appropriate skills. If you cannot maintain a friendship, you are unlikely to be accepted into a healthy team or a long-term partnership. Instead you may be accepted or at least tolerated by other dysfunctional people. Motivation alone is insufficient. Skill is needed.
If you are “stuck” at some relationship level, you may appear immature and emotionally age regressed – and people may say that you act like a child. Some parents may comment about all their children – including their immature partner with real children.

Dynamic & Frozen Relationships

Your relationships are dynamic if you are developing on many levels, while testing and pushing your limits. Dynamic relationships allow freedom, growth and inter-dependence. Or your relationships can be called “frozen” if you avoid challenges and development. Frozen relationships are often attempts to cling to old beliefs and decisions. People in frozen relationships often avoid clarity and prefer foggy communication. Communicating with such people can be like talking to foggy walls.
It is useful to recognize the abstractions you use while communicating. If communication is arbitrarily divided into levels of abstraction, (sometimes called “Logical Levels” ) the following hierarchy results, with example questions that you can use to increase clarity.

Abstraction	Self Questions	Relationship Questions
Things	What is it? What does it do?	Who does it belong to? How can we use it?
Emotions	What am I feeling?	What do I want you to feel? How do you respond to me? How do you express emotions?
Communication	What do I express? What do I respond to?	How do you respond to me? What are your wishes?
Actions & Consequences	What am I doing? What do I want?	How do you respond to my actions? How do I respond to your wishes?
Competencies	What am I capable of? What else can I do?	Who does this influence? Who should do this?
Beliefs	What is true? What is possible? What is right?	How can we express our beliefs? How do we respond to each other’s beliefs? How do we decide what is right?
Values	What is important? What is worthwhile?	What values do we share? Whose values are most important?
Identity	Who am I? What are my qualities?	Who are you? What are our relationship responsibilities?
Relationships	What am I part of? What is my role?	How close or distant are we? How can we co-operate together?
Planet / Humanity	Why am I here? What is my purpose?	How do our lives affect this planet? What can we do to help our planet survive?
Creation / Cosmos	What is the purpose of creation?	What are our relationships with unmanifest creation and with a manifest universe?

These are examples of how you may clarify concepts and presuppositions within your relationships.

Remember, emotional maturity doesn’t just happen.  It is cultivated through growth, perseverance, and commitment to change.